Bloody Fangtastic
by skysayzrawr
Summary: Harry keeps getting a spell wrong, and it's quickly driving him crazy. Crossover with various vampire franchises, and filled with arrogant fun! :D


_Hey, guys! This is a one-shot I've been working on for a while, and I wanted to post it! The ending is a bit rushed, but the rest of it took me about a month to do, I've been gradually adding to it as much as I could when I had time. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you, BLOODY FANG-TASTIC! (There will be another A/N at the end.)_

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"_Accio Vampire!_" Harry said forcefully. They were the two words that ended his sanity that day. Of course, he didn't know that.

Harry Potter, Chosen One, Boy-Who-Lived…you could just call him Harry. Please, _please_ just call him Harry. He's really uptight about the whole 'Chosen One' thing.

It was the third of March, in Harry's sixth year at Hogwart's School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. He remembered what his mentor, friend, and werewolf, Remus Lupin, had told him.

"_Harry, I met a friend while I was on a mission for the Order in Romania. I really think he could help you in your quest to defeat Voldemort." _

"_Really, professor? That's great!" _

"_Would you stop calling me professor, Harry? Listen, don't be alarmed, but he's a vampire." _

"_A vampire? Well, I've never met one…but if you can vouch for his self control, I'd be glad to talk with him." _

"_Ah, that's my favorite open-minded Harry. Alright, on March third, go up to the Room of Requirement, and call 'Accio Vampire'. I'll have it rigged with Dumbledore so he can appear." _

"_Great! No problem, profes- er, Remus. Thanks so much! I hope he can help…" _

"_Without a doubt he can. And remember, Harry- don't think up a room with big windows if you call him during the day. He'll burst into flame in the sunlight." _

"_Got it. Bye, Remus." _

So that was how he'd come to be here, in the Room of Requirement, uttering those very words that would so soon drive him to be battier than Ron's great-aunt Muriel.

After the spell had been cast, Harry looked around in bewilderment. No one was here! Had he done something wrong? Slowly, he became aware of a strange sucking noise.

Turning his head this way and that, Harry had no idea where it was coming from until it quickly became louder. Some kind of portal opened up in front of him, and a boot-clad foot began to appear. A bit of leg and soon, a hand, followed. Sort of jimmying itself out of the portal, the pale hand became connected to a wrist, and an elbow, and soon a the whole of an upper arm became visible. Meanwhile, almost all of the leg had come out of the portal, and it was apparent enough that the man was wearing military boots, dark jeans and some odd leather- oh. It appeared to be a jacket.

Shaking themselves vigorously, the arm and leg were much more quickly followed by the rest of the body, and a head of pale blonde hair was visible as it was thrown from the portal. Harry looked on in fascination- wand at the ready, just in case- as the figure went tumbling out and began to collect itself and get up.

"What. The. Bloody. Hell?" the man asked, bright blue eyes looking in confusion around him. They landed on Harry, who sat there looking very much like a vulnerable sixteen-year-old boy who hasn't worked out that much, equipped with a stick. "Who are you, why am I here, does this have anything to do with Willow and her soddin' magicks, and most importantly, _where are my fags_?"

Poor Harry could only look on in awe, fear, and a little jealously. After a moment, he came to his senses and pointed his wand underneath the pale man's jugular.

"I'm Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived." Harry said, a bit haughtily. "Who are _you_? Remus had informed me you'd be anticipating my summons."

"If I was you, I'd get that bloody stick out from under my throat, got it?" the blonde man asked menacingly. Harry gulped and stepped away, but didn't lower his wand. "And by the way, 'm Spike. Dunno your precious 'Remus' but I don't obey _anybody's _summons."

"This is really weird." Harry said, lowering his wand a bit and sinking into an armchair that conveniently appeared behind him. "Are you even a vampire?"

"Oi! I'm the one and only William the Bloody, fourth member to the Scourge of Europe, and second most famous vampire behind Angelus!" Spike yelled indignantly. After a moment, he turned his yell into a mutter. "I've never even heard of you, you so called 'Boy Who Lived'!"

"Maybe I did the spell wrong." Harry said to himself, getting out of the chair and raising his wand once more. "_Accio vampire_!"

There was another loud sucking noise and Spike turned around in confusion. Another portal had appeared in front of them both, this time spitting the person out a bit faster. A white dress shirt sleeve appeared, followed by black pants with dress shoes. Finally, a man- or more accurately, a boy- fell out onto his feet.

Looking up, he directed his topaz eyes round the room, noting the kid with a stick and glasses, as well as the Billy Idol-wannabe to his right.

"Where am I?" he asked in a musical voice.

"Cedric?" Harry asked in disbelief. "Is that you?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." the man-boy replied, looking oddly at Harry. "My name is Edward Cullen."

"-the bloody hell?" Spike was heard muttering. "Could use that hair as a bloody weapon-"

"I'm sorry, I must be mistaken." Harry said, shaking his head to clear it and staring once more at the bronze-haired male in front of him. "Er…you wouldn't happen to be a vampire too, would you?"

"Yes." Edward said, eyes taking a turn for the broody. "I'm a murderous fiend, though I try to make up for it by eating animals. My family and I are vegetarians."

"-just getting ridiculous." Spike said, still muttering on. "It's Angel all bloody over again. Animals? Murderous fiend? Vegetarian vampires? This is silly. Next thing you know, he'll be sparkling as well…"

"I do sparkle." Edward interjected, facing Spike. "It marks me for what I am, a soulless creature who is unnatural."

In the background, Harry huffed and raised his wand again. "_Accio vampire_!"

"Do you bloody poufs ever know when to quit brooding over your souls?" Spike asked incredulously. "Honestly, it's getting pathetic at this point."

Edward was about to reply when another loud sucking noise was heard. Both vampires turned to the noise, Spike eyeing the new portal with distrust, Edward with fascination. This time, the portal moved even faster, almost tossing out the young boy of about fourteen.

Picking himself up off the floor, he looked around and after a moment groaned.

"Des, take me back this instant! Mr. Crepsly is going to kill me if I don't get back to the Cirque!" he called out. "Des? Mr. Tiny? You have to be behind this! Take me back!"

"Who are you?" Spike asked in a slightly bored voice. The boy looked him over with a raised eyebrow.

"Darren Shan, half-vampire, contender to the title of Lord of the Shadows. Assistant to Larten Crepsley, for now." he replied, raking his brown hair back with abnormally long and sharp nails. "I need to get back to the Cirque du Freak, and soon."

Spike had given up and was sitting on the floor, head in his hands as he fought back laughs.

"Des Tiny? Larten Crepsley? Cirque du Freak?" he was choking out, fighting hard to resist the guffaws his body was telling him to let out. "The only freak I see if you. You're what- fourteen bloody years old? Lord of the Shadows, my pasty vampire ass."

"Hey! You can't say words like that! Besides, it's not like I want to be the Lord. I'll destroy the world if I become him…but I can't let the Vampaneze win!" Darren protested, eyes filled with determination.

"Vampaneze?" Spike spluttered. That sent him over the edge, and he began laughing without preamble.

"_Accio vampire, accio vampire_!" Harry shouted exasperatedly.

The sucking sound began again, and a portal opened up, twice as big as the last three times. Going so fast the two scrabbling figures got pushed out in a tangled mess onto the floor, it was gone as soon as it came. Disentangling themselves, the new arrivals stood apart from each other and looked around.

"Who are you?" Edward asked smoothly, holding out his hand to the two men. The first took it, then straightened himself up, brushing his long hair out of the way.

"Louis de Pointe du Lac." he said, cordially enough, if a bit melodramatically. The blue-eyed, six-foot-plus blonde vampire next to him looked him over with distaste.

"Eric." he said, eyeing Edward's hand but pointedly not taking it. Brushing off his jeans and t-shirt, he looked around. "Where are we?"

"We seem to be-" Edward began before being interrupted by Harry's loud screech.

"DOES ANYONE HERE BLOODY KNOW LUPIN?" he screamed, tossing his hands in the air and looking generally demented.

"-in some kind of magical landing zone." Edward finished. Louis looked intrigued, Darren sighed as though that was obvious, Harry was quietly banging his head against the wall in the corner, and Spike and Eric gave twin scoffs at the same moment.

Harry stalked back, blood turning his face the same interesting shade of puce that Uncle Vernon's used to get- which, considering his present company, probably wasn't the best idea- and let out a groan of frustration before rolling his sleeves up.

"_Accio vampire_!" he shouted, looking to the ceiling. "_Accio _bring-me-the-bloody-right _vampire_!"

The new additions were thrown into the room without ceremony. Getting up and rubbing their legs- the hard wood floor wasn't the best for landings- they both faced the growing crowd and froze.

"Eric?" asked a brown-haired man in disbelief. His wide chocolate eyes took in their surroundings with confusion.

"Spike?" asked the second brown-haired vampire. His own, more reddish-brown eyes also looked around in plain bewilderment.

"Bloody hell." Spike groaned. "Now we've got _another_ addition to the brooding vamps in the corner- the original pouf himself."

Eric just straightened himself to his full height of six foot five or so and towered over the other vampire.

"Bill. Do you have any idea what's going on?" he asked, somehow still making himself sound menacing even though he was at a loss. "More importantly, is Sookie safe?"

"As far as I know, she's fine. I haven't been over to see her in a couple of days, but your lieutenant is over there having a sleepover." Bill replied. He paused for a moment and sarcastically raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps we have cause to worry after all. I believe Pamela mentioned something about a 'pedicure'."

"William Thomas Compton," Eric boomed. "Was that a _joke_? If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was dreaming."

"Well, it was…but now that you mention it, I really shouldn't have done that." Bill murmured. "I'm sorry, Sherriff. I should not have disrespected your child, and in turn, you."

"Oh, quit your southern drawling." Spike groaned. He turned to Harry. "Could you do the magic thing again? Try for some vamps who are actual fun. How many moping creatures of the night can there possibly be?"

Too far past gone to even care anymore, Harry just numbly raised his wand.

"_Accio Vampire._" he said listlessly. "_Accio Vampire. Accio Vampire._"

Not bothering with the portal again, three vampires instantaneously appeared in the middle of the floor.

"Lestat." Louise hissed, causing Spike to smile. He walked over and pulled the befuddled vampire next to him.

"Any enemy of his is a friend of mine!" he cried, smile widening into a grin. "Welcome to…wherever this is. I dunno, some kind of magick-y portal thing. Still think Willow's got sumthin' to do with it, but whatever."

"Er, thanks?" Lestat said, more of a question. He smiled a bit, though; Lestat was _not_ one to let the chance of fun go unexplored.

The second of the three vampires was staring around himself in obvious, and understandable, confusion. Confusing everyone, after a moment he smiled.

"Excellent." he murmured, though of course everyone in the room with the possible exception of Harry could hear him. "I will go _anywhere_ to get rid of Stephen and his stupid little 'Elena'."

"Are you one of the broody ones or one of the ones who enjoys draining people?" Eric asked simply. The vampire's electric blue eyes widened and his black eyebrows shot up.

"Me?" he asked, clasping a hand to his breast. After a moment, he let his hand drop and gave a feral grin. "I'm one of the ones who _looooooves_ drinking folks. Unlike my idiotic brother Stephen, who drains squirrels and bunnies and other nauseating things."

"I like him." Eric commented, smiling slightly.

"Everybody does," the vampire remarked playfully, raising an eyebrow again. He tilted his head and regarded everyone in the room. "I'm Damon. Who are you?"

"Spike." "Darren." "Edward." "Angel." "Eric." "Bill."

"Heh!" said the third and final vampire. He was hunched over and hissing at everyone, generally looking ridiculous with his albino bat ears and too-large overcoat.

"Who's _he_?" Harry asked in a rare moment of lucidity. Rare for the present circumstances, anyway.

"I recognize that bloke!" Spike exclaimed, pointing a finger covered in chipped black polish at the newcomer. "That's that bloody Nosferatu guy who started the Dracula film trend. Count Orlok, sumthin'."

"Perfect." Harry sighed. "Just perfect."

Putting a hand to his head, Harry sighed. The vampires had dispersed amongst themselves, clumping into groups. Eric had gravitated over to where Spike, Lestat, and Damon were all talking merrily and showing each other their vamp faces. Angel, Edward, Darren, and Louis had all gone to the other corner, where they were moping and appeared to be conversing about the pits of hell or some other such pleasant small talk. The count had simply cowered into the wall and seemed to be hissing and muttering to himself.

Magicking a piece of parchment and a quill, Harry wrote a note to Hermione and sent it off, sinking back into the same chair he had earlier. About ten minutes and two or three longing looks at Harry's neck later, there was a knock on the door.

"Thank Merlin!" Harry shouted, throwing himself out of the chair and opening the doors. Hermione and Ron strode in, followed shortly by four house-elves bearing trays.

"Lupin told me to come here at this time and say '_Accio Vam-_"

Promptly stopped by Hermione's palm on his mouth, Harry realized what he'd almost done.

"See?" he said anxiously once she took her hand off. He gestured around the room. "I got frustrated-"

"Bloody well insane is what you got, mate!" Spike called from across the room, nodding to Ron and Hermione. "Absolutely mental, ravin' about vampires and some Lupin bugger."

"Harry?" Hermione asked, looking a bit judgemental.

"So I _may_ have lost my self control a bit and said the spell a few too many times…" he replied sheepishly.

"Ten times!" Damon supplied helpfully.

"Harry!" Ron and Hermione shouted in unison.

"Well, I'm _sorry_!" he yelled back. "I got a bit flustered when instead of a distinguished vampire supposed to help me defeat Voldemort, I got the bleached wonder over there!"

"Well, first thing's first-" Hermione began, before looking around at all the spellbound vampires. "Uh…first thing's first, we need to get the house-elves up here with some blood. _Now._"

Hermione ran out of the door at top speed to go fetch some elves, leaving Ron and Harry alone. Ron laughed randomly and looked at Harry.

"How'd you reckon these blokes'd look after a bit of spattergroit?" he asked, chuckling. Harry just pinched the bridge of his nose and sunk into one of those conveniently always-there chairs.

After another nine minutes or so, Hermione finally returned. Behind her were ten house-elves, all carrying trays with bags of blood on them. Flourishing her wand, the young witch conjured a table up, and all the elves put their trays down.

"Attention, vampires." Hermione said loudly, clearing her throat. "There is blood on the table, human on the right and animal on the left. You may take up to five bags of your preference. Thank you, and please wait as we try to reverse this unfortunate situation."

"Hermione, were you a flight attendant in a past life?" Harry asked quizzically. Hermione rolled her eyes and sat down next to he and Ron.

Every vampire had gravitated to the table with the exception of Darren, who had hold of Dobby and was clutching his shirt tightly.

"HARKAT?" he asked hopefully. When Dobby gave no response, he let him go and grabbed another house elf. "HARKAT? IS THAT YOU?"

"No needs to _yells, _sir. Leff can hears you just fine." the frail creature responded, tennis-ball-sized eyes growing even bigger. Darren sighed and turned around, facing Hermione.

"Debbie?" He yelled, running up and grabbing her, kissing her for a second before letting go and turning pink. "Oh, I'm sorry. You're not Debbie. I kind of just got caught up in the moment, and…I'll just be going."

"In his dreams…" Hermione muttered as Darren shuffled off. "He's like fourteen! How did he even blush, anyway?"

"I've no idea." Harry said miserably, putting a hand under his chin and groaning slightly. "All I know is that these vampires are leaving as soon as I can contact Remus…and this day has just been too bloody long."

In the distance, Ron laughed loudly, and Harry sighed, wishing for the first time in his life that he hadn't actually turned out to be a wizard.

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_Okay, so what did you think? Review, please, feedback really helps me! Excuse any errors, I beg you, as I've got no beta. Oh, and after you've clicked the little button down there that fills my heart with joy, tell me which of the vampires you know! Anyone who can name them all _and the series in which they appear_, will get...um...virtual hugs and cupcakes. :)_

_

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And to George, thanks very much for your review! As it was anonymous, I couldn't reply, so I'll just do it here! I fixed the mistakes you pointed out, thank you for doing so. I used to spell cirque, you know, cirque. I don't know quite when it got mixed up...probably from reading too many fanfictions (lol) or something. I'm embarrassed about spelling Nosferatu wrong, thanks for catching that error! Also, holy crap, you got every single vampire on the list. I guess it wouldn't have been that hard since I gave you their names, but I have a feeling you didn't google them. So. You win virtual hugs, cupcakes, and my actual gratitude! :) _


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